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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


ArtyGraph

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".  
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

 

 


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She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."   

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The little one came through, stood in front of me & farted!

'What are you doing, that's horrific" I asked her annoyed.

"Dad, they say Covid affects your sense of smell so I'm just being nice and doing a health check... you're fine!"

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..* 😬🙄

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateaux...

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I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later -
I don’t have to go to school or work.  
I get an allowance every month.  
I have my own pad.  
I don’t have a curfew.  
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, and I don’t have acne.  
Life is great!  🙂
 
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
 
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
 
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
 
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
 
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
 
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
 
The biggest lie I tell myself is: ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
 
I don’t have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
 
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
 
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
 
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
 
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
 
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
 
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
 
Now I’m wondering, did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?  
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