coxyhog Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gs joe Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith Posted July 3, 2021 Share Posted July 3, 2021 My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. ... Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind" I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg". I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked . The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.' On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?' 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith Posted July 3, 2021 Share Posted July 3, 2021 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith Posted July 3, 2021 Share Posted July 3, 2021 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith Posted July 3, 2021 Share Posted July 3, 2021 PUNCTUATION Example of how words can say the same thing but with different punctuation can mean totally different!! Enjoy . An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing,"on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." ................................................................................................................................................................................................... Well, I know this is not particularly funny, but when you start reading Facebook Comments the mind boggles! It is like people type in whatever they might be thinking out loud, then you have to punctuate it to try and find out a semblance of meaning!! Ok maybe it's just me! I'll get my Hat. Should be on the stage you say? Last stage out of town!! No punctuation marks were harmed during the writing of this post, well maybe one or two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2wheels Posted July 5, 2021 Share Posted July 5, 2021 A sailor was travelling by train in A/C class. He was travelling from Delhi to Bangalore. He was travelling alone. Sometime later, a beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite berth. The sailor was pleasantly happy. The lady kept smiling at him, this made him even more happy. Then she moved over and sat next to him. She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear "hand over all your valuables, cash, cards, mobile phone to me. Or I will shout and tell everyone that you are harrassing and misbehaving with me". The sailor stared blankly at her. He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote " I cannot hear or speak. You write down on the paper whatever you want to say". The lady wrote everything down what she had said earlier and gave the paper back to him. The sailor took her note and put it in his pocket. He got up and told her in clear tones :now shout and scream as much as you want. : 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lazarus Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stillearly Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2wheels Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coxyhog Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the M11 motorway at 11MPH so he says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KhunDon Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coxyhog Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coxyhog Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lazarus Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lazarus Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lirchenfeld Posted July 22, 2021 Share Posted July 22, 2021 How often do you lot water the plants in the aquarium? 😐 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stillearly Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lazarus Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KhunDon Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coxyhog Posted August 3, 2021 Share Posted August 3, 2021 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coxyhog Posted August 3, 2021 Share Posted August 3, 2021 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coxyhog Posted August 8, 2021 Share Posted August 8, 2021 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJSP Posted August 8, 2021 Share Posted August 8, 2021 If anyone knows unstable cliff be aware 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john luke Posted August 9, 2021 Share Posted August 9, 2021 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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