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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


ArtyGraph

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Paddy was asking everyone in the bar for £20 bus fare. When asked why he needed bus fare he replied “I heard on the news that there was 1,000 jobs in jeopardy and I need to get there to stand a chance of getting one of those 1,000 jobs before they are all taken”.

Edited by KhunDon
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A political one (well Malaysia politics)

 

 

Najib and Mahathir go into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Najib steals three curry puffs and puts them into his pocket.

He says to Mahathir, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't even see anything and I don't even need to lie."

Mahathir says to Najib, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Mahathir goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a curry puff and I will show you a magic trick."


Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Mahathir swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one and he eats it as well. Then Mahathir asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the three curry puffs?"

Mahathir replies, "Look in Najib's pocket."
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A blonde woman is in a plane bound for Toronto when the pilot says over the speakers- Ping! "You are now free to move about the cabin." The blonde calmly gets up from her seat in second class, strolls over to an empty seat in first class, and promptly gets herself situated.

One of the newer flight attendants notices this, so, naturally, she heads over to the blonde and tells her: "Excuse me, Ma'am, did you happen to just come from second class and sit down here, in first class?"

"Yes, I did," the blonde remarks, "Is this a problem?"

"Well, yes, it is. I'm afraid you'll have to return to your seat in second class."

"Look, lady, I'm a blonde, I'm sitting in first class, and I'm heading for Toronto. Period."

The attendant is quite new at her job, so she heads to the cockpit of the plane to get help from the copilot.

The copilot returns and repeats the "you have to move back speech", but the blonde woman yet again returns with "Look; I'm a blonde, I'm sitting in first class, and I'm heading for Toronto. Period."

The copilot doesn't want any trouble, so he heads back to the cockpit and tells the pilot about the situation.

"You man the controls, rookie. My wife is a blonde- I can take care of this."

The pilot walks over to the blonde woman, whispers something into her hear, and she suddenly gets up and returns to her second class seat without hesitating.

"That was amazing!" the flight attendant told the pilot, "What did you say to her to make her move so eagerly?"

"I told her that first class doesn't go to Toronto."

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Just got a text from my girlfriend...

"Just found out you're having an affair with another woman, I found the condoms you cheating bastard. I've packed my stuff and I'm leaving you and moving back to my mothers" Goodbye...

I replied "OK honey, see you when you get here!

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