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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


ArtyGraph

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A man who just died is delivered to a Glasga mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks the
deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that
the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what
it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband
dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque.
'nay charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'
she says. 'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a
deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after
you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked
his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked
nice...So, I just switched their heeds.'
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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada, and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
rent a car, and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country. The history,
the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
Molson beer, that's us, eh Jim?
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.
 
 
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Peter was a young lad and shortly after turning 15, he decided he wanted to become a butcher.
The next morning he went to the towns butcher shop and asked if he could become an apprentice.
-"It is not easy to get place here, so I have to test you." said the butcher
-"That is alright, give me a test" replied Peter
-"How many grams to a kilo?"
-"875 gram"
-"Can you start right away?"

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Hans and Thomas are having a beer together.
Hans: "how is going with your sex life?"
-Ehh, my sex life is like a cola" said Thomas
-"Wow, sweet and bubly, well done mate"
Thomas shook his head: "No, first it was regular, then light and now it is zero"

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The wife: "look at that drunk over there"
The husband: "who is he?"
Wife: "someone who wanted to marry me 20 years ago, but i refused"
Husband "My god, he is still celebrating"

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The worlds smallest industrial area is underneath a womans gown, 2 dairy plants, 1 water works and 1 gas plant.

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Thorsten had a bad day:
When he wanted to button his shirt, a button fell off.
When he wanted his coffee the cup handle fell off
When he wanted to open the door, the door knob fell off
- now he is afraid to pee.

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...
The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."!!!
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